Take Me Home Country Road
by Tara22
Summary: Tara moves to a small country town but all is not what it seems. Quirky quirky fic! It is AU and Willow/Tara. It's a lot of fun! Give it a try! :D
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: Only read if you are seriously quirky and open-minded

**WARNING**: Only read if you are seriously quirky and open-minded

I am sure many of you have noticed by now that vix84 and I have...rather strange...um... imaginations. Well, now, with our quirkiness powers combined, we bring you this fic! It is very much AU. We'll be alternating writing chapters. We're each different points of view. Enjoy!!

**Part 1**

"Miss Rosenberg! Miss Rosenberg! Where are you!! We need that cheese now!"

Willow shut the fridge door with a slam, her heart pounding in her chest.

"Uh… It's coming!" she yelled, trying to make her voice sound as casual as possible.

"Oh my god, oh my god," she said to herself over and over again

"Just give me a minute!!" she yelled.

"One minute, Miss Rosenberg! And make it a fast one!!"

Willow gulped and as quietly as she could snuck out the back door.

"Where the heck am I gonna get cheese?" she muttered "not just any cheese, but a great big mother of a block of cheese!"

She shook her head in complete distress, thinking of her bosses, Mr. Happy and Mr. Eevil. 'No offence guys,' she thought 'but it was a really, really stupid idea to have a gay pride meeting on a cow farm, make everyone come dressed as cows, and serve them cheese!' she shook her head at the thought, 'and now I am stuck with the job of finding a huge amount of cheese in one minute! Oh why didn't I check the fridge before!!'

Willow kicked a stone as she walked down the drive, past a field of grazing cows. She stopped and looked at them, "you know what?" she said, staring one of the cows in the eyes, "I wish you could give cheese… I mean imagine if there was this little button on your head that said, 'push me, I ferment'"

The cow looked at Willow like she was insane, then turned around, so that her rear end was facing Willow.

Willow stuck her tongue out at the cow, "well, that was rude. Now I forgot what I was saying!"

Realizing that she had wasted far too much time, she began walking as fast as she could down the road. 'Where on earth should I go!!' she thought 'the nearest store isn't for miles! And this darn farm doesn't even have horses!'

"Imagine me riding a cow into town" Willow muttered to herself, "one of these days I have GOT to get a better job!"

Willow was deep in thought when she walked right into something, or someone, and landed flat on the ground. She quickly brushed herself off and stood up, realizing that it had been a person, not just a person, but a girl that looked about her age. She reached her hand out, offering it to the girl, "Oh, I am so sorry!" she said quickly, her voice full of concern, "are you ok? I mean, I'm such a dumbie sometimes! Little-miss-not-looking-where-she-is-going…" Willow grinned sheepishly, "so…are you ok?"

The girl wiped herself off and then looked up at Willow, "I'm fine, really" she said, and then her face twisted into what looked like held-back laughter.

"What?" Willow asked quickly, "what is it?"

The girl shook her head, letting the laughter come. "Oh… nothing…it's just…well…it's not every day that you get knocked over by a pretty girl in a cow suit."

Willow looked down at herself and went red. She had completely forgotten that she was wearing the costume.

The girl looked at her, "Oh! Don't be embarrassed! You make a great cow!"

Willow laughed, "Why thank you… I'm Willow by the way, Willow Rosenberg"

The girl smiled, "Nice to meet you Willow, I'm Tara, Tara Maclay, I just moved in over there." she said pointing to a house just down the road from the farm.

Willow smiled, "Well, welcome to cow town where cows reign supreme, it is holy cow day today, everyone has to be dressed as cows or they get arrested."

Tara looked shocked, "uh….really?"

"No, ya doofus!", Willow said grinning at her.

"I'm really dressed like this because, well, I work for the owners of that farm over there and, their ideas….well, they are a bit…not so normal. They are a gay couple, and nice as can be, normally, but not when the pressure is on, woah… you don't want to see Mr. Happy when he's angry, and Mr. Eevil! Ten times worse!"

Tara grinned at Willow's ramblings, "So how long have you worked there?"

Willow paled, "work… oh no…"

Tara looked concerned, "What? What is it?"

"Tara, this is going to sound amazingly strange and may scare you beyond belief…. do you happen to…uh…have any cheese I can borrow?"

Tara looked shocked, "um… yeah…I think we just stocked the fridge actually, lots and lots of cheese, come on, we'll get some… but… do you mind my asking why?"

Willow breathed a sigh of relief, "oh thank you!" she said as they began walking, "well, you know how I told you about my bosses strange sense of…er… if you could call it logic, well today they have a gay pride meeting at the farm, and all the guests had to come dressed as cows, even I had to dress like one! And, well, they insisted on serving crackers with cheese, and me being the goof that I am just assumed that we had some… we didn't. No cheese at all. And Mr. Happy wants the cheese now."

Willow shuddered, thinking of his temper, as the girls stopped in front of Tara's house.

"Wait a sec," Tara said "I'll go get some!" She ran into her kitchen and grabbed the biggest block of cheese they had. "Will this do?" she asked Willow

"Oh! That's perfect! Thanks so much Tara!" she said happily.

"Come on!" Tara said pulling Willow after her, " we want you to keep this job! We have cheese to prepare!"

The two girls ran back up the drive and through the kitchen door, thankfully the meeting had started and Mr. Happy hadn't yet come looking for her.

Willow grabbed the knife and crackers and began preparing the snack.

"Is there any way I can help, Willow?" Tara asked looking around at the huge kitchen.

Willow glanced at her watch, "Oh my god! They are gonna kill me! I don't have enough time! We need to stall somehow… somehow…"

Tara looked at Willow, and saw the idea formulating, "just tell me what to do" she said with a smile.

Willow ran to a closet and pulled something out of it, "ok… here's the plan… just put these on first."

_12345678_

The doorbell rang in the Happy/Eevil household.

"Now who could that be?" Mr. Happy asked, looking at Mr. Eevil, who shrugged.

He walked over to the door and pulled it open. Much to his surprise, standing on their doorstep was a cow. Well, not really a cow, a girl dressed as a cow.

"Can I help you?" he asked in an amazed and curious tone.  
The cow just grinned at him and cocked her head, "I'm the entertainment! I do believe you just purchased an extraordinary amount of cheese from our company, and we like to come through for our customers. As soon as my boss heard about your little gathering here, it was, 'get down there! Tell some cow jokes!'. So here I am!"

Mr. Happy nodded, "Well, that is very thoughtful of your boss, you must thank him for us, we were just about to have some nice crackers and cheese for refreshments, so you can do your thing while we eat."

"No!" the cow cried, "I mean… I need full concentration and the smell of cheese….um…well…it distracts me!"

Mr. Happy nodded, "Um…ok then. Just come on in and tell your... er… jokes."

Tara walked into the living room filled with men of all ages, dressed in cow suits. It took everything she had not to burst out laughing.

"Everyone listen up! This cow here, is gonna tell us some jokes, I do believe they are cow-related!"

Tara nodded hesitantly, "ok… so here I go."

_12345678_

In the kitchen Willow was running around frantically, throwing cheese and crackers on platters.

'Thank you, Tara!!' she kept thinking, every time she heard the laughter coming from the other room.

Willow finished organizing the last of the snacks and put the rest of the cheese in the fridge.

She walked to the kitchen door and opened it a crack. She couldn't help but laugh at what she saw. Tara had them all enthralled, every man's eyes on her.

"There were these two cows, Ok?" she started, "chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied," Tara paused for effect "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Willow shut the door quickly and sank to her knees in quiet laughter. "oooh… god" she said to herself. 'that girl…' she thought shaking her head.

"Miss Rosenberg! We need the snacks now!"

"Right here!" she called, standing quickly, grabbing the tray, "here you go!" she said to him as she carried the tray into the living room, where the meeting was being held.

She glanced around for some sign of Tara but couldn't see her anywhere.

"Finally," Mr. Happy said, taking the tray from her, "did you know anything about a free entertainment service sponsored by the cheese company?"

Willow shook her head, trying her best to look confused, "no… should I have?"

Mr. Happy shook his head, "no…no… you may go now."

Willow nodded and walked casually back into the kitchen.

She then turned and ran out the back door, where she found a very amused Tara waiting, "well, I must say that, that was a new experience for me."

Willow grinned, "thank you so much! You were amazing! How did you know all those cow jokes? I've lived in town for a long time and I still don't think that I could do that!"

Tara grinned, "oh, yes, well….um… promise to keep a secret?"

Willow nodded, "anything!"

Tara moved closer to her, and spoke in a hushed tone. "I used to have an imaginary friend."

Willow looked at her, "what? That's not so bad…"

"She was a cow."

Willow stopped, "oh…"

Both girls looked at each other for a moment and then burst into laughter.

"This day has been too weird!!" Willow said through her laughter

"Oh my god!" Tara said, laughing, "I've only been here two days and I love it!"

Willow grinned, "well… it can be boring."

Tara looked at her and smiled, "yeah, well, all my time will be interesting and exciting, with you around there is never a dull moment."


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

**Part Two**

Willow and Tara strolled along past the large farmhouses, giggling and telling cow jokes.

"Oh, Tara, I really want to introduce you to my friends. They're an odd bunch, but I think you'll like them."

Tara paused. For some reason she never felt shy around Willow. But normally she was extremely inhibited with people her age. She hoped Willow's friends would be as nice and friendly as Willow was.

"Here we are." Willow gestured in front of them, and Tara looked around, bewildered. "Umm, Willow?"

In front of them was only more grass, and four grazing cows.

"Yes?" Willow could sense the blonde's confusion, and wondered why.

"Well…I don't see anyone. You know, except the cows, of course."

Willow giggled. "Those are my friends, dummy. I live on a farm…you expect me to have some actual human friends?"

"Ohhh." Tara felt secretly relieved. Cows were definitely more friendly than humans. "So, aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Oops. Silly me!"

She grabbed Tara's hand and pulled her over to the first cow, not noticing the way Tara blushed slightly as their hands met.

"This one is called Buffy. Now, you have to be nice to her. She's a bit, well, _slow_, if you know what I mean." Willow whispered the last word, not wanting to hurt Buffy's feelings. "She sometimes runs into fences… And also, you know, when we squeeze her teats at the milking, she falls over! I think she was the runt."

Tara stared at Buffy with amusement. "OK, so Buffy's the less intelligent, "special" friend." She patted Buffy's head.

"Yep. And now, meet Xander. I'd stand about two metres away from him, coz he's always horny and he'll probably try to drool on your shoes.

Tara backed away, her eyes wide. "Why's he in the girl section?"

Willow giggled. "Girl section? Like in a synagogue, where the boys are separated with a mechitza? Oh, I go to a Synagogue because I'm Jewish, but I'm not really, I'm more into…" she trailed off, realising a country girl wasn't likely to be into Wicca.

"Sorry, Tara...I have a babble-tendency. Anyway, he had to be desexed, because he kept trying to hump the other bulls. So we figured that we should keep him with the cows. You know, so he doesn't feel that his macho reputation is threatened."

Tara nodded seriously. "Poor Xander." She tried not to snicker. He was walking about lazily, sniffing yellow flowers.

"The next bull, over here, is Spike. He's also kept with the cows, instead of the other bulls. He's a special case; born with female genitalia! We have to keep an eye on him and Xander... but I think Xand's become asexual. He's only interested in that bush of yellow flowers."

Willow slapped him playfully on the head and he groaned, tossing his head about. _Moooooooo_

"Oh my god! That's so weird…" Tara couldn't help laughing.

"What?"

"Well, you know how I told you about how I had an imaginary friend?"

Willow nodded seriously.

"Well…ergh, how do I explain this? We went everywhere together...bus stops, school, the bar, even in the bath…"

Willow raised an eyebrow.

"But…it was genderless. The cow, I mean. 'The Genderless Cow' was its name."

"Whoa! So you and genderless cow had baths together?" Willow couldn't get that image out of her head.

"Oh, don't get any ideas! Just a calm bath between good friends. We would sit together and discuss things."

"What kind of things?"

"Well I taught him some languages. Like Czech, and Swedish. And in return, he taught me about culturing yoghurt."

Willow and Tara jumped as they heard a moo. "Oh, Dawnie, shush…"

The red-head sighed. "Tara, meet Dawn. She's a little bit antsy about us being here. She has issues about personal space."

She leaned forward and whispered in Tara's ear, "I think it's all a conspiracy. She wants us to just GET OUT of her paddock."

Tara frowned at Dawn. "Shh, Dawnie. We're here as your friends."

Dawn bellowed, throwing her head around.

Willow suddenly thought of something. "Ohhh, she wants us to brush her hair again."

Willow tapped Dawn on the head. "Dawnie, don't be greedy. I brushed your fur already, this morning!" She whispered to Tara, "stupid cow. She's the annoying one. Always wanting her fur to be glossier than Buffy's."

"Poor Buffy. It must be a hard life." Tara felt sympathetic, until Willow shrugged.

"Don't pity her. She's oblivious to everything other than Spike's nipples."

"Oh, OK." Tara laughed.

Willow and Tara nodded amicably at the cows, then continued along the path.

"Willow, Tara…!"

Mr Eevil was waving from a distance.

They ran over to him and he handed them each a slither of blue cheese.

"Try it, it's Mr Happy's specialty."

Tara slid the cheese between her lips. She sucked gently. "Oh, wow. It's very creamy."

Willow licked her lips unintentionally. Then she licked the cheese, her tongue exploring the holes and rough texture of the skin.

Tara watched as the cheese melted on Willow's tongue.

"Delicious."

Their eyes met, and they grinned.

Mr Eevil motioned for them to follow him. They walked together to his house, where Mr Happy met them with glasses of champagne.

"Tara," said Mr Happy. "Will you accompany me to the basement? I hear you're interested in art."

"Oh yes." Tara trailed behind him.

They reached the basement and he immediately gestured at an artwork.

It was a vivid mix of magenta and lilac swirls.

"Wow, it's very…intense." Tara felt a little disturbed by the painting, despite the beauty. "It has very strong emotions in it."

"Yes, you are very perceptive. I painted this one when I was twenty-two, just as I was getting to know Mr Eevil. I was, well, falling in love with him and didn't know what to do about it. I mean, we were just friends..."

Tara nodded, understanding instantly.

"But one day I invited him over to paint with me, and we got onto the topic of cheese, and something clicked. I think I realised he'd fallen for me, just as much as I for him. We finally declared our love and painting became a joy again! I began to paint things like this…"

He passed Tara a nude portrait of Mr Eevil. She avoided looking at the center of the work, and instead looked with interest at the background colors. "Wow, that's lovely. I can see a difference in the strokes you use... it's joy."

He nodded. "Yes, it is. But you're uncomfortable. With the male anatomy?"

"Yes, actually... I-I," she stammered, "well, I'm a lesbian." She paused, amazed that she had said that aloud. She'd never said it before.

His smile was genuine. "How lovely. You'll fit right into this town."

"Really?" Tara was surprised, then realised that she'd fit right in due to the lack of actual people.

They both jumped when they heard a noise outside the basement.

"Sorry, sorry, oh my god…" they heard Willow's embarrassed mumbles.

Mr Happy suddenly thought of something. "Why don't you two have a look around? I just have something to do."

"Uh, OK…"

Willow and Tara exchanged glances at his hasty departure.

They walked around the room, noting the erotic nature of the artworks. "Willow? What do you think they're doing?"

Willow turned to glare at Tara. She stuck out her tongue. "Ewww, now you got my imagination all with the thinking…"

"Nice tongue! Very long. Does it, umm, reach your nose?" Tara giggled.

"Actually, it does."

Willow demonstrated.

"Oh, well that's really cool. Imagine having a horrid stumpy tongue."

Willow began to laugh. "Yuck!"

Tara playfully stuck hers out, pretending it didn't extend pass her lower lip. "Look at me, Mr Stumpy!"

At that exact second she heard a scream. "Oooooooh Mr Happy!!"

"Ohmigod." Willow and Tara instantly grabbed each other for protection.

"Ack!"

They stood motionless, listening, despite their horror.

"Ohhhh that's it…that's it….bit harder…"

Tara squeezed Willow tighter, incredulous at the situation they were in.

"Come on!! Now! Oh, yeah, now, Mr Eevil! Now!"

They heard the men grunt, again and again, and then a long "oh yesss. That's it..."

Tara felt queasy.

She was wondering what to do when the door opened, and Mr Eevil and Mr Happy entered. "Hi girls. Wow, we were so successful."

"Oh, uh, we heard." Willow spoke without thinking, and Tara burst out laughing.

"You heard? Oh good. Well we'll have to teach you how to do it. Unfortunately, one can't learn just by hearing it. It's a skill that must be acquired with practice."

Willow stared with amazement. "Teach us? Umm? Mr Happy? I... don't really want to learn how to do that!!"

He looked sad. "Oh. Well I guess it's not a normal teen thing, to want to learn how to culture cheese. But the fermentation process is a fascinating one."

Tara remembered how to speak. "Fermentation? That's what you were doing?"

He gave her a strange look. "Yes, what did you think we were doing in there? Oh. _Oh, dear! You didn't!_

The two men laughed out loud. Then Mr Happy reached behind him and pulled out two trays of freshly fermented cheese.

"Ohhh you were making cheese!"

Willow and Tara collapsed with laughter.


End file.
